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I wrote this story at the end of April 2020. We were thick in the middle of the COVID-19 crisis here in Spain, with numbers skyrocketing throughout the country. At the time I wrote this, Spain had the second highest number of cases and deaths in the world!
I am posting this story today as a part of my commitment to “Document the Days” of this global pandemic.
April 2020
When this virus was just beginning to hit Spain, back in the beginning of March, I confessed that I may have been developing a fear of people.
I told a story about a grocery store experience with three Asian women. I was ashamed of my feelings, my reactions, my thoughts. Feeling afraid of people was a new emotion for me.
I wasn’t familiar with it. I didn’t like the feeling and tried to intentionally reject it.
New Reality?
Recently, I had a few other experiences that confirmed this new reality—I really am afraid of people.
Last week, I snuck out of the house and drove into the city. Our family had ordered a trampoline for our youngest son, Pierre, about one month ago. It still hadn’t arrived, so I was trying to find the office in town associated with the tracking number. The company wasn’t responding to phone calls and emails, so I thought a face-to-face visit might be easier.
I was prepared with my mask and gloves in my car if I needed to get out of my vehicle and enter a store. They were sitting next to me on the passenger seat.
I was prepared to brave the COVID-19 storm.
However, I was not prepared for what happened.
Upon arriving at the given address and location pin on my GPS, I could not find the name of the delivery company on any visible sign.
Afraid to Get Help
I saw a man walk out of a storefront and head over to his car.
I rolled down my window and greeting him in Spanish, asking him if he knew where the delivery company was. At that point, he was quite a long distance from me.
Hearing my broken Spanish, he kindly asked me if I spoke English. I happily said, “Yes!” I was in no mood to stumble through finding my Spanish words in my tired and frustrated brain these days.
The man asked me the name of the company again and the address. I looked on my phone and told him.
He was obviously far from fluent in English and began walking towards my car with its inviting, rolled-down window.
I must have panicked a bit subconsciously. I don’t recall thinking, “Oh my goodness, this man is coming near me! What if he has COVID-19! Get away from me!”
However, my body’s reactions shocked me! As he approached me, I physically moved away from him to the point where my upper body was hovering over the passenger seat. I couldn’t seem to get far enough away from the man at my window.
I tried to show him my phone through the window.
I needed help, but I was afraid. I could feel anxiety and fear in my mind and body by then. I didn’t have the sense to put on my mask that was sitting next to me on the passenger seat. I just didn’t think fast enough.
The window conversation only lasted a few minutes. It bore no fruit, because the man was not familiar with the company or the address.
An Antiseptic Bath
I thanked him for his help (or lack thereof) and drove away. I quickly pulled my car over, squirted some antiseptic gel into my hands, washed my hands, the steering wheel, and even my face. It burned.
I must be going crazy. I’m afraid of people. I realized that this was the first human being—stranger—that I’d been in real, close, face-to-face contact with since this global crisis began at the beginning of March.
The reality hit me hard and made my stomach churn. I am really afraid of people.
Afraid For My Child
A few days later, I had another incident that confirmed this sad reality of my “new normal.”
It was day 2 of the kids in spain finally being free to run again.
Vincent and I took Pierre out for a short morning walk for 15 minutes as a “recess” from homeschooling.
After a nice stroll of gazing on the distant mountains, we were passing through a small park next to our house.
We saw a man ahead of us with a small dog. He wasn’t on a leash.
As Pierre rode on ahead of us, we noticed the little dog heading towards his bike. Pierre stopped suddenly to avoid squashing the tiny animal. He looked back at us, waiting, wondering what he should do.
From a distance, we watched as the dog’s owner walked over towards our 7-year-old son to pick up his dog next to Pierre’s bike. Neither Pierre nor the man were wearing masks.
My heart shuddered as I watched the scene. There was absolutely nothing I could do, other than yell at this man for being so negligent and putting my child in possible danger. I decided not to do that, but instead greeted him with an “hola” and carried on my way.
Poor Pierre didn’t know what to do. He had heard me say over and over again on our walks, “Stay away from people. Go to the other side of the street when we are passing by other parents and children.”
It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.
It’s just our new reality, our “new normal.” I really am afraid of people.
Where to Find Freedom From Fear?
I don’t like this feeling—this feeling of being afraid of people.
Just like I wrote in that first story, I will continue to resist and reject this fear.
I can’t seem to do it on my own, though. I am human, and I am fearful.
I have only found release and freedom from this fear through prayer and faith in God. I have to continually turn my fears, worries, and anxieties into prayer—choosing not to hold on to them, but to release them. In place of them, I ask God to fill me with His love for people. I don’t want to be afraid of my neighbors or my fellow man. I want to love them—continue to move towards them, not away from them.
So, starting today, I will declare . . . I am really NOT afraid of people! What about you?
—THE CULTURAL STORY-WEAVER
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Have you become afraid of people during this pandemic? What have you noticed or experienced? What signs? What can you do to resist this fear?
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