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“What language do you speak together?”
That’s a question that Vincent and I get a lot.
“Do you speak English together, or French?”
In other words, what is our “love language”?
It’s a logical question to ask bi-lingual couples, but the answer isn’t always logical.
It Depends
The person asking the question is usually stumped when we answer, “It depends.”
It depends on where we are, what we are doing, and what we are talking about. Other factors are our moods and who starts the conversation . . . and in what language.
The answer isn’t logical. It’s not real cut and dry.
Our home, our family, and our marriage relationship are “across borders,” across cultures,” and “across languages.”
We often don’t even know what language we are speaking. We just naturally flow in and out of several languages, unbeknownst to ourselves and to each other. Sometimes, we even notice that we begin sentences in one language and finish them in another!
What Language is That?
When we only knew two languages—English and French—we called it “Franglais.” “Français” is French for “French” and “Anglais” is French for “English.” So, if you speak a mix of “Français” and “Anglais,” you speak “Franglais.” I guess the equivalent in English would be “Frenglish.”
“Frenglish” used to fill our home.
Then, we learned a third language, Arabic, and things became even more complicated for us and for our children. Three languages began swirling around in our hearts and minds. Out of our mouths came “Franglarabe,” a unique blend of English, French, and Arabic.
This year, we have both added a fourth language—Spanish—to our brain box, and our minds are messy!
Honestly, we don’t speak any language correctly anymore, but that doesn’t keep us from understanding each other and falling in love with all of the different sounds and nuances of each language.
Our “Love Language”?
As we approach the day of love, Valentine’s Day, I have been thinking about “love languages.” (Stay tuned for a fun post on February 14, “I Love You” Around the World!)
Yes, bi-lingual couples have a “love language.” Often, it’s the language they were speaking when they first fell in love.
In this age of globalization
If a bi-lingual couple only speaks one common language, or if there is one language that is stronger than the other, then that would most likely be their “love language.”
Love—Best Way to Learn a Language
These questions and reflections took me back to “My Story” in that cobblestone village in the north of France where I first laid my eyes on Vincent. I was nineteen, and he was twenty. Vincent walked into that tiny bistro bar where I was sitting at a table by myself, waltzed up to me with a glass of champagne, and said, “Bonjour.”
It was definitely a “bonjour” and not a “hello.”
For us, it was love at first sight. We fell in love in French, not English.
We spent the entire evening and night sitting at a table, talking about life, languages, culture, family, the world . . . it was a never-ending conversation that bounced back and forth between French and English. However, French was the primary language.
At that point, I had 7 years of French study behind me. I was studying to be a French teacher, so I was serious about foreign language learning! Vincent had even more years of English underneath his belt. However, he will be the first to say that he didn’t really learn English until he met me. Apparently, he became highly motivated to succeed in his university English classes at that point!
We were falling in love, and we were falling in love in French . . . and in France! How could our “love language” be anything other than French?
The first “I love you”? Oh, it was definitely, “Je t’aime”!
Which “Switch” is Turned “On”?
Today, 29 years later, we are both fluent in French and English. We honestly don’t even know what language we are speaking to each other. It’s just natural and organic. Both languages are a part of us, a part of our relationship. We don’t translate. We don’t think about language structure or grammar.
Usually, if one of us begins a conversation in English, we will continue in English. Something happens in the brain automatically—the “English switch” is turned on. It’s the same if we begin talking in French. We will usually continue in that language.
The funniest moments are when someone will remark that Vincent is speaking in English, and I am speaking in French. We don’t even notice. It certainly isn’t logical, but it’s natural.
If we are talking about something related to our life or family in France or our life in French-speaking North Africa, memories and stories are often recounted in the language in which they occurred. In this case, it would be French. The same would be true if we are talking about our life in America or anything related to that culture.
Also, if we are in a room with other English speakers or in an English-speaking setting, that “English switch” automatically turns on in our brains—vice versa in an audibly French context.
What Language Will it Be?
We often express strong emotions (excitement, anger, surprise, fear . . .) in our native, mother-tongue—French for Vincent and English for me. There is something so true about your “heart” language. Deep feelings usually take us back to our formative years of language learning . . . it’s uncontrolled.
“What language do you speak together?” It’s not an easy question to answer. But one thing is clear, we love each other, and our love language is now “Franglais”!
As we approach this day of love, Vincent and I need to find a nice French bistro, enjoy a delicious French meal, speak French together, and fall in love again . . . and again . . .
The question is, “Will we speak French or English—or ‘Franglais’?”
—The Cultural Story-Weaver
MY GIFT TO YOU—GET YOUR FREE EBOOK—“THE 5-DAY JOURNEY TO CULTURAL AWARENESS”!
Read more stories of bi-lingual, bi-cultural couples: “Bi-Lingual Relationships: One Love, Many Languages.”
Other interesting books on cross-cultural marriage: Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pitfalls, Thai the Knot: Untangling the Complexities of Cross-Cultural Marriage, Your Intercultural Marriage: A Guide to a Happy, Healthy Relationship.
Let’s Weave Cultures!
What about you? If you are in a bi-lingual, bi-cultural relationship . . . what’s your “love language”?
If you aren’t, have you ever thought about your “heart language” or your “love language”?
I came across a fascinating book by Gary Chapman called “5 Love Languages.” It’s not about linguistics, but it’s about how we express love: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
There’s a fun, online quiz where you can discover your own “love language” and try to guess the language of your mate, friend, or family member.
It’s something worth checking out as we celebrate Valentine’s Day and express our love to friends and family . . . “across languages,” “across cultures,” “across personalities,” “across preferences.” Love—it’s certainly not a “logical” thing!
We invite you to tell us your own cultural stories and global adventures . . . as you engage with the world, breaking down barriers, building bridges, and “weaving cultures!” Write about them in the comment box below.
