Greetings—they can be so awkward, especially when moving to a foreign country. You simply don’t know what to do. You don’t know what is culturally appropriate.
Upon arriving in our small town in Spain, our American friends introduced our neighbors to us. Our “expat” friends had been living in Spain for five years, and they seemed to know what they were doing.
We met the mother of the family that day. My American friend kissed her, so I did the same—kissing the Spanish woman on either cheek—starting with the right side. It seemed comfortable and “correct.”
The next day, while with my same American friend, we saw the same neighbor lady walking on the other side of the street.
“Hola,” my friend said to the Spanish woman.
“Hola,” she responded back.
That was it! No “How are you doing?” No walking across the street to give her kisses. Nothing more than “hola” from afar.
I was shocked.
“I noticed that you didn’t go over and greet her with kisses,” I said to my American friend.
“No, because we were on opposite sides of the street and busy doing other things—getting out of the car, walking,” she responded.
So Different From France!
Wow! This was so different from France. If you passed your neighbor friend on the street—even if on opposite sides—you would typically stop, greet them with kisses, talk a bit, and then part ways.
Boy, we sure had a lot to learn about Spanish culture!
I had noticed during all of our evening walks (paseos) throughout the neighborhood that no one greeted each other on the streets. There seemed to be no real eye contact and no “hola.”
“When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”
Ok, we will try!
Children are Like Sponges
In the meantime, Pierre, our six-year-old, had become “friends” with our neighbor’s son. The family had been regularly inviting Pierre over to swim, to go on walks with their family, and to play in the park.
Pierre was definitely learning Spanish faster than the rest of us, as he was being fully immersed in the language and culture with his Spanish friends.
When it comes to languages, children are like sponges.
When I dropped Pierre off at our neighbors’ driveway to play, I just waved to the neighbors at the door and said “Hola, Gracias!” with my limited Spanish vocabulary. When they brought him back to our house, they would say, “Hola, Bueno, Adios.”
There were no other greetings, no kisses.
What Do I Do?
One day, as Vincent, Robert, Pierre, and I were unloading groceries in front of our garage door, our neighbors were walking out of their front gate—on their way to the park.
“Hola,” I said.
“Hola,” they replied.
I didn’t know what to do.
Should I greet them appropriately—whatever that means—since we were standing on the SAME side of the street? Should I kiss them, shake their hands, or just stand there awkwardly and talk to them?
Every country and culture where we have lived is different.
In the south of France, where we last lived, you shake hands at first. When you get to know someone well, you kiss twice on the cheeks. In Vincent’s village in the north of France, you kiss four times. In other regions of France, you kiss three times. In Morocco, I kiss the women, but not the men. In other countries, you kiss, but you start on the opposite cheek.
It can be really confusing!
What do I do? Nothing? Something?
A million cultural questions flooded my mind.
This was the first time I was seeing the father of the family and their two sons up close and personal.
I had to think and act fast. There was no time to run and get my Culture Shock!—Spain book and look up how to greet Spanish neighbors.
It felt awkward to not greet them, so I leaned over and kissed the Spanish woman twice on the cheeks—starting with the right side. I didn’t want to kiss her and not the rest of the family. That might offend them.
So, I leaned over and kissed the father. We exchanged names while we kissed. I then kissed the two little boys. They seemed somewhat uncomfortable and awkward. They turned their heads a bit, so I ended up kissing their foreheads!
Awkward!
We stood there talking for awhile, and they extended an invitation for Pierre to go with their family to the park. He immediately accepted, with great enthusiasm.
As we talked, I kept saying to myself, “Did I just do the right thing? Was kissing their entire family culturally appropriate? Did I offend them? Maybe I shouldn’t have kissed my neighbor’s husband.”
I just wasn’t sure. They didn’t appear offended. I was the one who seemed uncomfortable.
As soon as we parted ways, I grabbed my phone and texted my American friend on Whatsapp. I told her what had happened and asked her if I had just made a major cultural mistake, a major “faux pas.”
She reassured me that it was fine, since the family had opened up to me. We had been getting to know each other through our children’s friendship.
Vincent also encouraged me by saying, “They know that you are an American. They will excuse your behavior and cultural mistakes.”
I still didn’t know if what I had done was right. I still didn’t know what I’d do the next time I crossed paths with my neighbors on the SAME side of the street or on the OPPOSITE side of the street.
How Do I Know What To Do?
Thankfully, I have found several good books to help me. Dos and Taboos Around the World has been a great resource, as well as Culture Shock! Spain to help guide me through this cultural learning maze.
This is what Culture Shock!—Spain says about “Kissing.”
“Expect a handshake when you are being introduced but do not be surprised if you get kissed on both cheeks when you leave a party or any social gathering.”
Culture Shock! Spain
Maybe I should have just extended my hand to greet the father and the kids, since it was a first introduction. I honestly didn’t know.
My Son Knows More Than Me
Thankfully, that’s what my son did.
While I was still talking to the neighbors, after I kissed them all, Robert got out of the car and passed by. I introduced my son to them, and he appropriately shook hands with the mother and the father.
My 19-year-old was much more in tune with cross-cultural etiquette than I was. Maybe he could teach his culturally-awkward mother a few lessons about Spain!
Two days later . . .
Our neighbors invited us to walk with them to the local park to watch a children’s puppet show. We gladly accepted!
When I saw them, I didn’t know what to do. Should I kiss them again or should I greet them from afar?
I chose the latter option and greeting them with a simple “Hola.”
During the puppet show, our neighbor who speaks English was talking to us about the Spanish culture and the puppet tradition. It was fascinating.
She clearly wanted to be a language and culture teacher for us.
Just Ask!
I just had to ask. I needed to be a “cultural learner.”
“What is the best way to greet someone in Spain?” I asked my neighbor. “When I saw you two days ago on the street in front of our house, I didn’t know what to do. I kissed you, your husband, and your children. I hope that I didn’t offend anyone.”
“No, not at all!” she replied with a chuckle. “We don’t usually kiss foreigners, because we know that they aren’t used to that.”
“What about the Spanish?” I asked. “What do they do? We want to greet like the local people here—the Spaniards.”
“They kiss!” she exclaimed. “And if I introduce you to our friends, you would kiss them too.”
Well, mystery solved. Do I kiss or not? KISS—definitely KISS!
As we parted ways that evening after the puppet show, we ALL kissed each other “goodbye”—except the men! We also took the time to show our new Spanish neighbors how we hug each other in America and how we kiss each other in the north of France—FOUR TIMES!
We all got some good laughs and some good cultural lessons.
So, remember, when in Spain, do you kiss or not? KISS—definitely KISS!
—The Cultural Story-Weaver
Let’s Weave Cultures!
Have you ever traveled to a foreign country and didn’t know how to greet properly in that culture? What did you do? How did you feel? How did you learn what was culturally appropriate or not?
We invite you to tell us your own cultural stories and global adventures . . . as you engage with the world, breaking down barriers, building bridges, and “weaving cultures!” Write about them in the comment box below.
